Book Review: Grace Based Parenting

I'll confess, I have read 20 books on parenting. No kidding. I have searched and searched for the right book to fix my kids. ;) What I didn't realize was that I was the one in need of being fixed! If you haven't read my post, "My Journey to Grace" you can read about why I say this there as well as more specifics about Grace-Based Parenting.

Thank you Mr. Kimmel for writing such a beautiful book. I am truly indebted to you as is my entire family. As I, by the power of Christ, become a grace-based person and therefore a grace-based parent, I am confident it will not only affect my boys but generations to come.

There are times when the best way to review a work is simply let it speak for itself. Here are just a few of my favorite passages from Grace-Based Parenting.

Grace-based parents spend their time entrusting themselves to Christ. They live to know God more. Their children are the daily recipients of the grace these parents are enjoying form the Lord. If you watch them in action, they appear to be peaceful and very much in love with God. They are especially graceful when their children are hardest to love. Their advice to their children would be a mixture of:

• " You are a gift from God ; go make a difference."
  
• "You may struggle doing the right thing sometimes but you're forgiven." ~ p. 19

[If you operate from a standpoint of grace] Your children will be the daily recipients of the number one characteristic of God that has drawn people to Him since the Creation. ~p. 22

If God our heavenly Father is the perfect Father, and the primary way that He deals with us as humans is through the power of His grace, it stands to reason that grace forms the best template for bringing out the best in our own children. ~p. 28

The reason grace makes the most sense as a bottom line for parenting is because of grace's eternal appeal to the human heart. ~p. 29

Let's define what we mean by secure love. This is a steady and sure love that is written on the hard drive of children's souls. It's a complete love that they default to when their hearts are under attack. It's the kind of love that children can confidently carry with them into the future. ~p. 46

Grace can't be some abstract concept that you talk about in your home. It has to be a real-time action that ultimately imprints itself on your children's hearts. ~p. 140

They [children] need parents who remain calm, spend time on their knees, and maintain an open forum where their children can work through their faith out loud. ~ p. 186

Grace provides equilibrium for a family. Where too many parents are concerned with how others view their children, grace-based parents are more excited with how God views their children. Grace-based parents avoid the silly preoccupations with arbitrary standards devised by evangelical busybodies. They keep their eye on the bubble in the level, which is their children's character. To them, keeping their children balanced when it comes to their faith, integrity, poise, discipline, endurance and courage makes more sense than worrying about whether others thing their children look spiritual enough (whatever that means). They don't make it a crime for their children to be different, to be oddballs, or to boogie to a different drumbeat. In the process, they encourage their children to find the unique individual that God designed them to be through an intimate and authentic relationship with Christ...These families are overseen by shrewd mothers and fathers who see their children's fragile features as opportunities for God's power to shine through them. ~p. 212

Grace-based parenting is not a checklist for parenting; it's a lifestyle. It's a clear attempt to retrofit your minds to respond to your children in the same way God responds to you. ~p. 213

The grace-based home assumes kids will struggle with sin and helps them learn how to tap into God's power to help them get stronger...When their children do sin, grace-based parents don't get surprised. They expect it. They assume sin is an ongoing dilemma that their children must constantly contend with. ~p. 216

I can't wait to read this book again...and again...and again!

My Journey to Grace

If you Google, "There are two kinds of people," you will immediately find 100's of quotes dividing the world's population into neat little categories: Conservatives and Liberals, "haves" and "have- nots", givers and takers, those who make the messes and those who clean them, and on and on it goes.

Theologians and the famous are not exempt from these declarations either:

There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done,"
and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way."

~ C.S. Lewis

There are two kinds of people: some willing to work
and the rest willing to let them.
~Robert Frost

There are two kinds of people: those who walk into a room and say,
"There you are" -- and those who say, "Here I am!"

~ Abigail Van Buren

and even this one:

There are two kinds of people in the world,
those who believe there are two kinds of people and those who don't.
~ Robert Benchley

Well, I am jumping on the "There are two kinds of people," bandwagon and declaring that when it comes to matters of faith there are two kinds of people: those with a bent for law and those with a bent for grace. I, unfortunately, am the former. Growing up in a tradition that viewed spiritual maturity as a checklist of things done, or all too often things not done (drinking, swearing, dancing...) only served to strengthen what was my personality leaning already. I have been a believer since the age of eleven and it didn't take me long to figure this out. I am bent for the law.

Now theologians have written books on what I am about to say, and certainly they say it much more eloquently than I. Yet I have learned that writing something out is the very best way for me to really understand it and that is why I am making this attempt, feeble as it may be, to chronicle my learnings in the past year or so.

Three books have really challenged me to consider this issue of law vs. grace. Each has come into my hands by different means and at different times. Yet the three have worked together to help me come to know my Creator in a new and different and more intimate way.

First, back in 2007 The Jesus Storybook Bible found its way into our library and quickly into our hearts setting me on what I now call, "My Journey to Grace". You see what I have come to learn is the problem with law is that it's all about me, but with grace it's all about God. Law says that there is something I can do to merit God's favor. Grace says that all I need to do is rest in the assurance that Jesus did it once for all on the cross because of his great love for me and all humanity. Law is easy; it's a formula. Grace is hard; it's a relationship. This Bible was the first time in my twenty-five years as a believer that I truly got that - and all from a children's Bible!

Not realizing yet I was on a journey, just that I had read a great book in the Jesus Storybook Bible, dh handed me Tim Keller's book, Prodigal God: Recovering the Heart of the Christian Faith. It is Keller's teachings on one of Jesus' most famous parables, The Prodigal Son. Amazing. Life changing. Defining. I loved this book.

In reading this parable growing up, I always identified with the older brother. I was the compliant, obedient child. My younger sister was the rebellious prodigal. I can remember feeling some of the indignation the older brother expressed when he said to his father upon seeing his brother welcomed home in the style of a king, "Look, these many years I have served you and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a goat that I might celebrate with my friends," (Luke 15:29) because I felt some of that same frustration when my sister would come home (again) having broken just about every rule put before her by my parents. Here is a quote from Prodigal God that sums up what the book meant for me:

The hearts of the two brothers were the same. Both sons resented their father's authority [Keller makes the case for this earlier in the book] and sought ways of getting out from under it. They each wanted to get into a position in which they could tell the father what to do. Each one, in other words, rebelled - but one did so by being very bad and the other by being extremely good. Both were alienated from the father's heart; both were lost sons. ~ p. 36

The older brother followed the law. He thought all his good deeds should have earned him some brownie points with his father. It didn't. He thought all his younger brother's carousing should have alienated this son from their father. He was wrong there, too. And so was I.

Now don't get me wrong. If anyone were to ask me, then or now, what I put my faith in, I would immediately say it was in Jesus' saving work on the cross. Yet if someone studied my life they would most likely come to another conclusion. How a person lives day to day bears out what they really believe, no matter what they say. And there were the footprints of law all over my soul, all over my actions and all over my words.

And I have come to see I am not alone in the realization I have trusted in the wrong thing for far too long. While it is true that our hearts have been wired for a relationship with God, it is equally true that the fall has so affected humanity that everything we do is tainted by it, including how we seek to meet this inborn need for relationship. The fall was all about control, who had it (God) and who wanted it (Adam and Eve by the serpent's deception). And it's still about control today, thus the allure of the law: law = control. It puts us in the driver's seat and removes God from his rightful place as king of our soul. Law is our attempt to dictate to God how He should view us. When the reality is that grace provides a way for God to see us that we could never earn ourselves no matter how good we ever managed to be.

The third book on this journey, was Graced-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel. I ordered it off Amazon and it sat on the shelf until something a few months ago caused me to pick it up. Honestly I am not 100% sure what it was except to say a leading by the Holy Spirit. This book, oh this book. It is officially my favorite parenting book and I am committed to re-reading it, in its entirety, every.single.year. Yes, it's that good. I will write a complete review in a coming post but this book has brought everything together for me. It has painted a picture of the kind of parent I want to be with God's help. But you can't give what you don't yourself own. And I needed a new heart when it came to the issue of law vs. grace.

If the first two books were the skeleton of grace then this book became the muscle and skin. The first two were the "what" and this book was, for me, the "how". Earlier I said that grace is hard because it's about a relationship. If you are not wired for relationship then this sort of transformation does not come naturally, or at least it hasn't for me. Why? Read on.

Most people find themselves typically energized by people or drained by them (we're back to the "there are two kinds of people" thing again ;) ). There are times when I can be very energized by people but more often I am drained by them. Tasks on the other hand energize me. I can clean closets, plan and organize for hours on end and still have energy at the end of the day. That's fun for me. Weird, I know. So you see, I am not wired as much for relationship as I am for tasks. I do need people. Very much. It's just that I don't need that many people, especially in this phase of life where I have three little monkeys sucking just about every bit of life out of me. ;) ;) ;) Ready for a really cheesy analogy? Imagine with me that we all have 2 tanks: a tank for tasks and tank for relationships. My relationship tank only holds about 10 gallons and the car that uses this tank is a real gas guzzler! It gets sucked dry pretty quickly. Now my task tank, it holds 50 gallons and the car that uses this tank gets 75 miles to the gallon. It can go forever in between fill-ups. Hey, I warned you it was cheesy!

Back to Grace-Based Parenting. This book helped me see what it looks like to operate from a vantage point of grace and what the true dangers of the law can be as it relates to parenting, and really all of life in general. It's a truly remarkable book.

I wish I could tell you I am now this person full of grace. I wish I could say that the transformation has been a beautiful one, like the transformation of the butterflies in my garden. It hasn't. It has been painful and humbling and downright hard. I am at the point where I see the ugliness and putridity of law, yet it is still my default as I have lived in the land of the Law for almost 37 years now. The land of Grace is still like a foreign country to me. I see the beauty of it. I have read the travel guides and studied the language and customs of those who live there. I even pop in for visits now and then. Yet the land that has been my home for far too long beckons me away. Not for long though, I pray. With God's help I will be operating from a new address soon.

A Special Treasure

Awhile back my husband was preaching on how the Bible we use today came to be - the formation of the cannon in the first few centuries all the way to the English translations you and I hold today. A gentleman from our church approached him and said he had a very special Bible given to him as a wedding gift from his mother-in-law years before.

It was a Geneva Bible! This Bible was first produced in Switzerland in 1560 by Puritan refugees fleeing persecution from Queen Mary. It was the household Bible of English-speaking Protestants due to being smaller and more affordable. It even contained “study notes” for commentary on biblical text . It was also the first complete English Bible to use chapter breaks and numbered verses. It was the Bible Shakespeare used and the Bible brought to America by the pilgrims on the Mayflower. The copy this gentleman owned was printed in 1602 (see photo on right).

Dh brought it home one evening and we spent time carefully looking though this very special treasure. I was so incredibly nervous because I felt like this book should be in a museum somewhere under glass and not sitting on my counter top. I just kept thinking, "This book is older than our very nation! And just a 100 years (plus a few) after Columbus sailed the ocean blue ." It was such a privilege to spend time with this wonderful book. I am still amazed thinking back.

I thumbed through and found some of my favorite passages. Can you tell what they are? Leave a comment if you know!

Today...

Here is what I wrote last night in my journal before going to bed as I prayed about a fresh new week starting after a mediocre one last week. I was seeing the end of the year on the horizon and wondering if I'll have the steam to make it to the end and finish well. I often feel like The Little Engine that Could chugging up that hill saying, "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can." This is my version of a Monday morning kick in the pants to get me off on the right foot, and actually, I know I can with His help and grace!

Today I will....

• treat my children the way I would if Jesus were physically in the room.
  

• remain calm both in demeanor and voice; I will chose to stop and step away for a moment if I am unable to do so.
  

• shower my boys with hugs and kisses.
  

• model appropriate choices. When I make a mistake I will immediately confess and ask forgiveness.
  

• find positive ways to say things and encourage the behaviors I am seeking.

• focus 100% on my boys and not allow myself to be distracted by the computer, telephone or other tasks awaiting me at the end of the day.

• remember "Sow an act, reap a habit. Sow a habit, reap a character." and I will do the hard work to help "lay down the rails" for good habits to form in my boys.

• laugh 100 times today!

Happy Monday to each of you. I hope it's a great week for all. :)

An Exception to my Previous Statement

In my last post I made the statement,

Let me take a step back and ask, "Why hymns?" In my opinion, hymns offer much that most contemporary Christian music can't come close to touching. They are theologically rich, doctrinally sound (generally speaking) and deeply committed to content. They are full of beautiful language and amazing imagery. It seems much of contemporary Christian music is pablum compared to the treasure trove we find in hymns.

I gladly offer a refreshing exception:

"In Christ Alone"

In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, Who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied;
For ev'ry sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.

Our Family Rules

Here are our family's rules. I have wanted to do this for a long time, but wasn't quite sure how to go about it. It needed to be something we could commit to memory, so yesterday I had the crazy idea of using an acronym as a mnemonic device.

I chose "GOLDEN RULE" because it is the umbrella rule that covers all others - including any I may have missed! I also wanted our rules to be Scripture based so the boys would understand as they got older that these were rooted in the truth of God's word and not simply arbitrary.

These rules and the accompanying Scriptures (NIV) will be some of our first memory and copywork for this school year.

Give generously to others - sharing all I have: my toys, my time and my talents.

• Do not forget to do good and share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased. - Hebrews 13:16
  

Obey quickly and cheerfully.

• Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. - Ephesians 6:1

Look to the interests of others.

• In humility consider others better than yourselves...your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus. - Philippians 2:3b, 5
  

Do my best at all times.

• Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. - 1 Corinthians 10:31b
  

Exhibit self-control.

• For the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. - Galatians 5:22-23
  

No matter what tell the truth.

• The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful. - Proverbs 12:22
  

Respect others by using good manners.

• Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king. - 1Peter 2:17
  

Use kind and calm words.

• A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. - Proverbs 15:1
  

Listen to others.

• Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. - James 1:19
  

Evidence thankfulness by choosing gratitude.

• Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. - 1 Thessalonians 5:18
• Do all things without complaining or arguing. - Philippians 2:14

The Golden Rule: Do to others as you would have them do to you for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. - Matthew 7:12