Book Review: Grace Based Parenting

I'll confess, I have read 20 books on parenting. No kidding. I have searched and searched for the right book to fix my kids. ;) What I didn't realize was that I was the one in need of being fixed! If you haven't read my post, "My Journey to Grace" you can read about why I say this there as well as more specifics about Grace-Based Parenting.

Thank you Mr. Kimmel for writing such a beautiful book. I am truly indebted to you as is my entire family. As I, by the power of Christ, become a grace-based person and therefore a grace-based parent, I am confident it will not only affect my boys but generations to come.

There are times when the best way to review a work is simply let it speak for itself. Here are just a few of my favorite passages from Grace-Based Parenting.

Grace-based parents spend their time entrusting themselves to Christ. They live to know God more. Their children are the daily recipients of the grace these parents are enjoying form the Lord. If you watch them in action, they appear to be peaceful and very much in love with God. They are especially graceful when their children are hardest to love. Their advice to their children would be a mixture of:

• " You are a gift from God ; go make a difference."
  
• "You may struggle doing the right thing sometimes but you're forgiven." ~ p. 19

[If you operate from a standpoint of grace] Your children will be the daily recipients of the number one characteristic of God that has drawn people to Him since the Creation. ~p. 22

If God our heavenly Father is the perfect Father, and the primary way that He deals with us as humans is through the power of His grace, it stands to reason that grace forms the best template for bringing out the best in our own children. ~p. 28

The reason grace makes the most sense as a bottom line for parenting is because of grace's eternal appeal to the human heart. ~p. 29

Let's define what we mean by secure love. This is a steady and sure love that is written on the hard drive of children's souls. It's a complete love that they default to when their hearts are under attack. It's the kind of love that children can confidently carry with them into the future. ~p. 46

Grace can't be some abstract concept that you talk about in your home. It has to be a real-time action that ultimately imprints itself on your children's hearts. ~p. 140

They [children] need parents who remain calm, spend time on their knees, and maintain an open forum where their children can work through their faith out loud. ~ p. 186

Grace provides equilibrium for a family. Where too many parents are concerned with how others view their children, grace-based parents are more excited with how God views their children. Grace-based parents avoid the silly preoccupations with arbitrary standards devised by evangelical busybodies. They keep their eye on the bubble in the level, which is their children's character. To them, keeping their children balanced when it comes to their faith, integrity, poise, discipline, endurance and courage makes more sense than worrying about whether others thing their children look spiritual enough (whatever that means). They don't make it a crime for their children to be different, to be oddballs, or to boogie to a different drumbeat. In the process, they encourage their children to find the unique individual that God designed them to be through an intimate and authentic relationship with Christ...These families are overseen by shrewd mothers and fathers who see their children's fragile features as opportunities for God's power to shine through them. ~p. 212

Grace-based parenting is not a checklist for parenting; it's a lifestyle. It's a clear attempt to retrofit your minds to respond to your children in the same way God responds to you. ~p. 213

The grace-based home assumes kids will struggle with sin and helps them learn how to tap into God's power to help them get stronger...When their children do sin, grace-based parents don't get surprised. They expect it. They assume sin is an ongoing dilemma that their children must constantly contend with. ~p. 216

I can't wait to read this book again...and again...and again!

Life in Progress

I am in the middle of so much right now I can hardly keep it all straight. It is unusual for me to be engaged in so many things at one time as I prefer to finish one book/project/job completely before moving on to the next. Right now that is not to be. ;)

My bookshelf is often a microcosm of what is going on in my life - what I am learning, where I am growing, my struggles and joys and right now that is most definitely true. Typically I am working on one book at a time, but again, that's not life right now. God seems to be stretching me in many directions at once. Here is what I am currently reading:

Daily Reading Bible: Through the Bible in a Year (ESV)

The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood

Social Skills Training for Children and Adolescents with Asperger's and Social-Communications Problems by Ted Baker
along with The Social Skills Picture Book by Ted Baker


Grace Based Parenting by Ted Kimmel

Home Education, Volume 6 by Charlotte Mason

As for life in general, we finally had a new roof put on our home after Hurricane Ike did some significant damage to ours back in September. We've had sick kids, cars to get fixed, errands to run, waaaay overdue haircuts and all sorts of other distractions. In addition, dh is on a fourteen week "Wellness Program" with our doctor and is required to eat six times a day. Very few processed foods are permitted which means I have been cooking tons more than normal - and I already cooked quite a bit! It's all worth it as he has lost 2o pounds in six weeks. Yahoo!!! I've had friends in the past who said to me, "We just had so much to do that we didn't get to school this week." I would always shake my head and think, "Hmmm. How exactly does that happen?" Well now I know! This past two weeks has found us outside the classroom more than in it.

It has not all been drudgery though. We've been strawberry picking and started a butterfly garden in the middle of all this busyness! Life is good, even when it is sometimes hard. Does that even make sense? ;)

Rest Time

I mentioned that my boys go to rest time in my post about the diet detox, but I realized I had never blogged about this part of our day, at least not in detail. Well, it's about time as I feel this is one of my huge "sanity keepers"!

Some wonderful person (I wish I could remember who so I could hug her neck ;) ) gave me a piece of advice when Thatcher was just starting to drop his daily nap. She encouraged me to never give up a "quiet time" for him even though a "nap time" was just about history. I took her advice and told him (at the time almost 4), "Thatcher, you don't have to sleep if you don't feel like it. Just stay in your room and play." We picked out a different special toy each day and he happily played away. Sometimes he would still nap and sometimes he didn't. And guess what? He thought that was soooo cool that he didn't have to nap?! He was in heaven. It wasn't until a year or more later that he realized I'd completely duped him. Lol!!!

The reality was that I needed the down time as much or more as he did. I love my children with my whole heart but the demands of homeschooling, raising a special needs kiddo, busy boys and my personality that re-energizes with solitude means that I need some quiet each and every day.

So each day around 2:00 my boys go to their rooms for rest time seven days a week. They stay for about an hour and a half to two hours depending on other things we have going on that day. Beckett still naps but the older two don't, although Haddon will still fall asleep if we've had a field trip or nature hike that morning. They can have one or two buckets out of the playroom each day; we store the majority of our toys in clear Sterilite containers in the playroom closet. Occassionally we do something special like letting the boys trade rooms or allow them to play together. It's amazing how beautifully they will play during these times since they feel it's such a special treat, even if they have been fighting all morning!

Are you interested? Could you use your own down time? Here are some tips I've learned over the years that have helped make rest time successful. First, when they are young and starting out, I put a baby gate on their room as a physical reminder that they are to stay put. I start with a doable time, usually 30 minutes. If they struggle with that time and start fussing, I give them a lollipop or other treat and send them back in to play more. I want them to know this is a special and fun part of our day, not a punishment. I gradually increase the time up to an hour. As they near five I begin to require an hour and a half and Thatch sometimes will stay up to two hours.

Each of my children's personalities has them approach rest time differently. Thatcher, as an Aspie and a first born, loves solitude and typically loves rest time. It recharges his batteries so he can handle the remainder of the day. It is a sacred time for him when no little brothers bother him or interrupt his plans. He can get out all his tiny legos or K'nex with not a soul to mess anything up! Haddon, my middle child, struggles with playing by himself. Rest time is a discipline for him. He is learning to entertain himself (something Thatcher does naturally) which is a very valuable life skill, in my opinion. All of my boys enjoy audio books and the Classical Kids CD's but for him they are especially helpful in getting him through his one-and-a-half hours somedays. I always keep a basket of audio books from the library and he will ask for them when he needs one. I will be curious how Beckett approaches rest time when he begins to drop naps, which is I hope is still not for awhile yet!

During this time I have disciplined myself to sit for at least half of this time each day. I start out by reading from my Bible and whatever other book I am working on. The last 30-45 minutes I try to get a few chores done, return any phone calls from that morning, chat with a friend, return emails, blog or any other little thing that needs to be done.

If your children are older, it's not too late to institute a rest time. My boys are old enough now where I have explained to them my need for quiet and how much it helps me to recharge my own batteries. They know they are not to come down and ask me lot of little questions, although they do occassionally peep in at me. If you are starting out, I would do just like with the littles - start with a short time and build up. Reward them with their successes and help them understand this is not a punishment but should be viewed as a treat. Help them understand how to recharge their own batteries. Is it sketching, reading, building, using their imagination...Your kids may not love rest time but it can become a regular part of a wonderful day.

What are your sanity keepers?

Encouragement for Parents of ADHD'ers

I am currently reading Right Brained Children in a Left Brained World: Unlocking the Potential of Your ADD Child. It is fantastic, by far the best book I've read on the subject as of yet. I wanted to share a quote the authors included that is actually from still another book.

What I like most about this quote is that it reminds me that I define my child, not the culture, not well-meaning friends/family members/teachers/coaches/scout leaders/et al, not anyone else's ideas of how they think a child should act. That awesome and wonderful power is mine and mine alone...well mine and dh's! And I am committed to doing a better job of not letting those titles in the first group of words stick but those in the second and so many more. We hear those first adjectives so often that they tend to seep into our souls, maybe much more than we realize - at least speaking for me, more than I realize. But if I choose to define his behavior as energetic rather than hyperactive and sensitive rather than irritable, well just that mental shift can make a huge difference in how I relate to my child and come to think of it how others will relate to him too.

I hope this quote is an encouragement to you as well. If you don't have an ADHD kiddo, feel free to pass this link along to someone who does and maybe it will lift up a friend who has had a tough day with her unique child!

Instead of thinking of your child as...Think of him as...

hyperactive...energetic
impulsive...spontaneous
distractible...creative
a daydreamer...imaginative
inattentive...global thinker with a wide focus
unpredictable...flexible
argumentative...independent
stubborn...committed
irritable...sensitive
aggressive...assertive
attention deficit disordered...unique

-Dr. Thomas Armstrong, The Myth of the ADD Child

Children Learn What They Live

I was reminded of this poem today. Sometimes it's easier to be impatient, sarcastic or just plain unkind when disciplining my boys after I have said the same thing for the (seemingly) 400th time that day. The reward of persevering, choosing to be kind, encouraging and full of grace will reap huge rewards in their little hearts and minds. This poem encourages me to "keep on keeping on." I hope it inspires you, too!

Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

I need a Liz!

My children, my precious darling children!
What I want them to become, I must become myself.
- Elizabeth Prentiss, Stepping Heavenward

I mentioned this quote awhile back in a previous post. I first saw it on Rachel's blog, Keep the Way, and now it seems to keep popping up again and again. You know how once you learn a new word it seems you come across it everywhere? It's been like that for me with this quote. Is God trying to get my attention?

I have wondered about this woman, Elizabeth Prentiss, since I first read it. I finally spent some time reading about her and was more intrigued than ever. She is the author of the famous hymn, "More Love to Thee, O Christ", a pastor's wife, a writer and a mother. You can even read some of her letters at Project Gutenberg for free!

I have often reflected that in this day and age we live such isolated lives. In years past, not so long ago, it was common to have multiple generations living together or at least in very close proximity. Young mothers could learn from their mothers, grandmothers, aunts as well as other family members all around her. Not so for most of us nowadays.

Let me digress for just a moment here: I graduated college at 21 and started teaching first grade. That first day I had 22 bright-eyed six year olds expecting me to lead and guide them to truth and knowledge. I almost had a panic attack realizing the depth of that calling! Fast forward three years and I was looking into becoming a flight attendant. I was disillusioned and burned out. I worked so hard yet something was not quite clicking. I loved my students and worked insane hours to be the best I could be. Instead of quitting, I decided to change grade levels and give it one more try. Then Liz entered the picture, a seasoned teacher with a PhD in elementary education! That time was one of amazing growth for me and is the year I really learned how to teach. I learned how to raise the bar and help my students rise to that and manage my classroom from the heart side of things - the head side (organization, grades, planning) always came naturally.

This shift all happened just by being near Liz. She knew how to inspire her students to greatness. She could manage her class, keeping them quiet and focused, without ever raising her voice even a tiny bit - no easy task with 24 wiggly second graders! So gentle but so strong comes to mind when I think of her. She never tried to mentor me; she just did by being who she was. And I was lucky enough to teach across the hall from her and absorb it all. What a difference that one year made in my life. It inspired me and changed the trajectory of my teaching career. I only had the opportunity to teach with her for one year before we moved to Houston, but I am so thankful for our time together.

Why did I mention Liz? I have many times wished that I had a mentor like her in the parenting department. The head side of managing a house and homeschooling comes naturally to me - just like it did in the classroom: planning and preparing meals, paying bills, keeping the home organized and running smoothly, researching and planning for school...those types of things. It's sometimes the heart side where I need help.

Isn't that how God created us? He knew we would need mentors when he led Paul to instruct older women in Titus 2:3-5 telling them to "train the young women..." It seems from what I have read about Elizabeth Prentiss she (through her writings) may become that mentor. I don't know how she did with the head side of managing a home but she definitely was a remarkable wife and mother on the heart side of things.

Want to know a neat thing I realized while typing...I wonder if anyone called her "Liz" for short? :)

Our Family Rules

Here are our family's rules. I have wanted to do this for a long time, but wasn't quite sure how to go about it. It needed to be something we could commit to memory, so yesterday I had the crazy idea of using an acronym as a mnemonic device.

I chose "GOLDEN RULE" because it is the umbrella rule that covers all others - including any I may have missed! I also wanted our rules to be Scripture based so the boys would understand as they got older that these were rooted in the truth of God's word and not simply arbitrary.

These rules and the accompanying Scriptures (NIV) will be some of our first memory and copywork for this school year.

Give generously to others - sharing all I have: my toys, my time and my talents.

• Do not forget to do good and share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased. - Hebrews 13:16
  

Obey quickly and cheerfully.

• Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. - Ephesians 6:1

Look to the interests of others.

• In humility consider others better than yourselves...your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus. - Philippians 2:3b, 5
  

Do my best at all times.

• Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. - 1 Corinthians 10:31b
  

Exhibit self-control.

• For the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. - Galatians 5:22-23
  

No matter what tell the truth.

• The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful. - Proverbs 12:22
  

Respect others by using good manners.

• Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king. - 1Peter 2:17
  

Use kind and calm words.

• A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. - Proverbs 15:1
  

Listen to others.

• Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. - James 1:19
  

Evidence thankfulness by choosing gratitude.

• Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. - 1 Thessalonians 5:18
• Do all things without complaining or arguing. - Philippians 2:14

The Golden Rule: Do to others as you would have them do to you for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. - Matthew 7:12